Meditation

There I Sit In Mistrust

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When I meditate, I realize sometimes how much of our identity is not trusting ourselves.

As noted (and repeated for newcomers) I do a watch-a-slow-even-breath meditation, refining it over time to be as slow and even as possible. It’s derived from Taoist practices (especially my over-mentioned Secret of the Golden Flower), both the breathing and larger practices and concepts such as Yin and Yang or mindful “warm attention.” It’s simple, and as anyone who practices meditation knows, that simplicity is always deceptive because when you start meditating things happen and come to the surface.

Including realizations about identity.

Meditation is a practice that has you sitting there with yourself, doing your thing, and often screwing up, having unexpected insights, and often both. You may realize how distractable you are, or have sudden memories surge to the surface – and good texts will give you advice on such things. I think that these “problems” aren’t problems, but educational opportunities, and often contemplate them.

One thing that I noticed is how much of our identity is being against ourselves. Enough I want to share.

When you meditate, it’s easy to get upset with your distractions or that you can’t do things right. You try to push down what’s in your mind or isolate feelings you don’t want to deal with. There you are, trying to meditate and focus and you’re also breaking yourself up, maybe to the point that you’re angry with yourself. Ever had a meditation session where you feel like you’re in a wrestling match?

But is that any different from how we normally are? How many of us berate ourselves for a choice? How many times a day do you worry that you did something wrong or aren’t a good person? How often do you try to cut off pieces of your own mind? I’m sure you have plenty of experiences like that – almost certain you had a few the very day you read this

It’s bizarre, when you look at it. So much of our identity is not being turned against ourselves. We identify with battling against an obsession. We constantly berate ourselves internally for a behavior we just keep doing. How much of us is not liking us? And is this self-flagellation doing us any good?

(Answer: no).

Realizing how much of our identity can be self-hatred was a useful insight for me in my meditations. Once you see it, you can be aware of it and maybe address it. Or you could berate yourself for it and further the problem, but let’s not do that.

I find that the lessons of meditation come to the fore here too. Meditation is about sitting and doing, being there, doing changing or breathing or whatever and moving on. Just because you have a thought you don’t like doesn’t mean you have to get angry. Just because you had a bad idea doesn’t mean you act on it. What arises is part of the experience and you choose what you do, but it’s all you.

There’s no reason to hate yourself. You’re whoever you are now – and whoever makes the choice on what to do next. You can also take the time to analyze how you got where you are – that’s fine, you’re who you are, and whoever got you here to realize you may have some self-loathing.

It’s amazing what meditation can do when you’re sitting there not doing much. Kudos to all those over the aeons who taught us and keep teaching us.

-Xenofact

A Chain of Tensions

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I do two forms of meditation – breathing and energy work. My breath meditation is refining a slow, even breath that I follow. My energy work (a form of Microcosmic Orbit) is harder to describe, but is is basically about “settling into” paths in my body and feeling and raising the “energy” within. What’s interesting is both forms of meditation lead to the same conclusion:

We are often amazingly tense.

Any form of meditation makes you more aware, and you’ll quickly become aware of how tense you are. It may not be painful or limiting tension (though it may be), but that odd tension, that bit of push-pull. It may not even by physical, but a few senses of odd division in your head and thoughts. Sometimes – many times – the mental and physical seem to be linked or the same thing.

It can be depressing or distracting depending on your experience and personality. Sitting down and meditating is like being locked in a straightjacket, and it’s a straightjacket that you always wear, but you only know about it during spiritual pursuits.

As you meditate and become aware of them – or in some forms of energy work “feel through them” – another thing comes to mind. A lot of what we think of as us is tension. Seriously, so much of what we think of as us is a pile of conflicts and walling ourselves off from the world and other parts of ourselves.

Our bodies and mind tense up as we are embarrassed. We seal off thoughts we don’t want to have, and enter into an eternal battle that defines who we are. Our fears of a situation tense our bodies up, ready to pounce, and that tension becomes a point of identity. We force ourselves to be certain people and do certain things, pitting tension against tension.

We’re a giant interlinked pile of tensions. The experience of this can be both enthralling and depressing when you get into meditation.

One one level it’s amazing and liberating to experience this. You suddenly see how much of you is just a bunch of conflicting stuff, a Rube Goldberg chain of neuroses and tense muscles. It’s no wonder some people have such insights in meditation and go wild about it – it’s liberating and overwhelming. I’ve had energy meditation sessions where the tensions drop away, and it’s like a thunderbolt shaking your body – it’s easy to take it so seriously you ruin it.

On another side, it’s kind of depressing. The “you” you’re used to is a janky collection of sensations and ideas and a lot of them are tensions. You’re you is always building giant walls to keep things out – building tensions (see my previous writing on “The Escape Capsule”). Your “you’ can seem awful lame when you see how much of it is self-limiting or avoidant. Nothing like looking at yourself and going “well that’s some stupid shit I’ve done for 30 years” and sitting with it.

It’s liberating and depressing to see the role of tension in our lives at the same time.

Me, I try to remember it’s just the way it is, and remember the Taoist references to refining our breath or refining our energies. I am what I am, my tensions are what I are. By my ever-tuned breath,I am refining myself like metal or purifying water. Discovering these tensions are milestones – signs I am doing something right, so I keep doing it.

But, honestly, sometimes I’m just amazed how much of “us” is just some form of tension or separation. I think that’s why we’re often envious of people with wild creativity or who are just chill – because so many of us are not that way.

-Xenofact

The Escape Capsule

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When I meditate (regular breath and energy circulation) sometimes I notice a peculiar thing. Namely, I notice myself – and why I’m there.

Somewhere in what I’m doing there’s a bit of me there, pulling away and sealing itself off. It’s peculiar because I’m both meditating but also trying to separate myself from meditating. On top of that I’m aware of me doing it, so I’m watching myself watching myself try to separate myself from what I’m doing.

No wonder some people find meditation hard, disturbing, or weird. Or they drop a few shrooms and wonder what the hell is going on. Self and ego is strange no matter what’s forcing you to confront it, but meditation is cheaper.

I’ve recently christened this thing The Escape Capsule (though, yes, I’ve seen other terms and references to it), and have been thinking about what it tells me.

Part of our identity is based on separation. There’s us and the other stuff in the world and the other stuff inside ourselves. We try to separate from the world and we try to separate the “real me” from the stuff we don’t like in ourselves. Some of our “me” is an attempt to not be things, to get away – thus I recently called it The Escape Capsie.

(I could go into I and Thou but perhaps later.)

The Escape Capsule is that idea we can wall ourselves off, and I think there’s a wiff of simplistic immortalism. We can cut ourselves off from everything else and get away from it forever. In fact, I think that sometimes our idea of an immortal, separate soul may well come from this human tendency to run away..

I mean if we can feel distant from everything doesn’t that mean there’s some separate us?

Of course as we all know identity and self isn’t that clear. We can’t wall ourselves off from parts of us as it’s all us. Whatever identity we imagine atop the rickety pyramid of self, the pyramid is a lot larger than what we pretend we are. Too often our fears, desires, memories, and reality intrude and the Escape Capsule doesn’t protect us.

Of course we know it doesn’t protect us from the world. The world is bigger. The world is where “me” comes from.

Seeing The Escape Capsule helps me understand myself and my flaws. I also am sure you, if you meditate, have also had moments where the walls of The Escape Capsule melt and you realize your you isn’t you. It’s quite something to be yourself while seeing yourself melt away. It’s also quite something to realize how much of your idea of yourself is based on not being something.

This is one thing I’ve come to appreciate about meditation. The goal is to do it – not “perfectly,” not well, not to have certain experiences. But being there in those moments where you just see, even if what you see is disturbing or humbling.

And there are moments you can’t get away.

-Xenofact